Kingdom Hearts: The True Story
by forever-exile
Summary: Many people have played the game Kingdom Hearts and believed the story. Well, this is how it really happens. And this is not a child's story either. Chapter 5 is up
1. Chapter 1

-1**Chapter One: Destiny Island**

**D/C I don't own Kingdom Hearts, but I wish I do.**

**A/N: Go easy on me. I thought, since I love KH so much, why don't I tell everyone how it all really went down.**

**--------------------------------------------------------------------**

"Sora…? Sora? Sora! Wake your ass up! We got work to do! Remember?" Kairi kicks sand on Sora's face while he lays on the ground day dreaming.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!" Sora screams in a high pitched voice while running around in circles. "There's sand in my eyes! There's sand in my eyes! AHHHHHH!" Sora runs down the pier and jumps off the ledge. Sora returns to Kairi drenched in water. He looks at her, as she puts on more purple eye liner. "Why did you do that for?" He starts crying.

"Because, you BOYS are so stupid!" She punches Sora in the eye. He runs away crying.

"Hey Kairi!" Kairi looks towards the door. Rikku closes… er… covers the entrance to his house with a thin sheet. Kairi stares at his buff, shirtless form as he lifts up a log from the ground without effort. She drools a bit as he walks slowly to her.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Sora starts poking Kairi from behind. Kairi screams while swinging her arms around, knocking out Sora in the process.

"_I've been having these weird thoughts lately._

_Like is any of this real… or not?"_

**Opening theme (happens exactly like it does in the game)**

Sora wakes up standing on top of a tower, with the floor decorated in what he only could see in yellow stained windows.

_The decisions you make will alter your fate. _

A mysterious voice from the air sounds, scaring Sora in the process.

"Wh-who the fuck are you?" Sora pisses himself. "Whoops…" Sora blushes.

_Move the Left Analog Stick foward to walk. Move it all the way forward to run._

Sora becomes confused and yells, "What the fuck is a Left Analog Stick?" No answer. "Fine, I'll move…" Sora takes a few steps. The voice comes back.

_Press 'O' to jump._

"Ooookay?" Sora jumps, the glass below him breaks. "Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!" Sora lands on another tower, this time, it was pink stained-windows.

"That is the last time I take orders from a mysterious voice." Sora gets up and pats his shorts. The voice comes back making Sora fall. He covers his head with his hands.

_Choose your destiny._

From the ground, three small pillars appear, with a sword, a wand, and a shield appearing on them.

"Choose my destiny? What the hell is he talking about….."

_Look kid, I really don't have time, just pick the sword first then the shield so you can fight the heartless and lose and wake up back with Rikku and Kairi._

Sora begins to slump forward as he walks toward the sword. The sword disappears, he then walks to the shield. The shield disappears. The sword magically reappears in Sora's hands.

_Are you sure this is the path you wish to choose? You better say yes, kid, or I'll come down there and beat the shit out of you!_

Sora whimpers, "Okay, mister, please don't hurt me. I'm sure that this is the path I want." The glass shatters again. "Not again. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?" Sora lands on yet another tower, with blue-stained windows. "Ok, what now?" Heartless begin to come out of the ground and surround Sora. He starts yelling, "Hey, mysterious voice, what the fuck am I suppose to do here?" The voice responds.

_Kill them, what do I care? You got to press 'X' to do so. … fuck-head!_

Sora shrugs, suddenly he starts moving and slicing through the heartless. He hit's the last one, a box appears. He picks it up. "Potion?" Sora shrugs again. The ground begins to shake. "No! Please don't shatter!" He starts to pet the ground, hopping that t he glass won't break. The shaking stops. "That was a close call." Sora gets up, he slowly turns around to see a Blackheart staring him down. "Oh shit!" Sora pisses himself… again. He turns complete pale white.

"Umm, mister voice? A little help?"

_Fuck you, kid! You're on your own. Loser._

Sora laughs nervously as the Blackheart creeps closer to Sora. Sora faints.

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Sora wakes up. Kairi's standing over him, smiling. He gets up as he keeps his focus on her. He slaps her.

"Why are you making fun of me, bitch!" Sora suddenly falls on the ground, shielding his crouch with his hands.

"You sure know how to treat those you love, you sorry-ass loser!" Kairi, picks up Sora, "Now come on. I wasn't making fun of you." She hugs Sora. "I was admiring your day dreaming." Sora sniffs. He slowly moves his hands over her right breast. She removes his hands and walks away. He smiles.

"Hey, Sora." Sora turns around. "Will you lend me a hand?"

"Sure, Rikku." Sora runs to Rikku. "What is it, buddy?" Rikku begins to look around.

"I forgot. Maybe I'll remember. Hey, let's go to the 'Spot'." Sora nods.

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Rikku, an Sora are sitting on the Paopu fruit tree.

"Sora, have you ever thought about what lies beyond the ocean?" Rikku stands up on the branch.

"Sometimes. Why?"

"I want to get out of here. You, me, Kairi, if she packs. We'll go out, and see different worlds. What do you say?" Sora ponders.

"Yeah, sure, Rikku." Rikku picks out a Paopu fruit from the tree.

"They say that if two people share a Paopu, they're fates will become one. I want to share one with you, Sora." Sora jumps.

"What?" Sora starts to panic.

"I said I want to share one with you." Rikku sits next to Sora, he puts his hand on Sora's leg, "Now kiss me, you fool!" Sora falls off the tree and runs away to Kairi's house.

It suddenly goes dark.

"Kairi?" Sora begins to look around the room to see Kairi missing. There's a note on the table.

_Sora, I know you come here at night and do some of the most perverted things with my clothes. Meet me in the secret place and I will put an end to all of it._

_ 3 Kairi._

Sora shrugs. He runs out of the house and pass the waterfall. He slowly crawls through the little space available. At the end he could see Kairi, and he rushes.

"I'm here… what are you going to do?" Sora looks at Kairi, she turns around and faces Sora. She walks closer to Sora, he starts to walk back, soon, he is pinned to the wall with Kairi in front of him.

"Something that we should have done a long time ago." She garbs him and kisses Sora.

They stop. "Wow, tha-that was my fir-first kiss with th-the lips, and th-the tongue, that was your tongue."

Kairi looks at Sora as he blushes and tries to hid his erection. "I see that I don't have to work much to get you going. Now, we could have a little more fun back at my place. I'll see you there." Kairi leaves. Sora exit's the cave and sees that the island is being torn apart. The sky is filled with darkness. He looks over to the bridge that leads to the 'spot', he sees that Kairi is heading there. So he runs over there too. As soon as he gets to the 'spot', a strong wind is sucking Kairi back in to the cave, Sora tries to catch her, but she just goes right through him. He continues to walk. He sees Rikku.

"What are you doing, Rikku?" Rikku laughs.

"I am not afraid of the dark." A large black cloud forms underneath Rikku and starts to pull him in. Sora jumps inside in hopes to save Rikku.

"Rikku…"

The mysterious voice comes back.

_It is time, Keyblade Master._

Sora jumps out of the cloud wielding the Kingdom Key. He slashes through the heartless like it was nothing. He turns around, the Blackheart has returned to finish Sora. Sora jumps and swings at the giant heartless. As soon as the blade collides with the heartless , a vortex appears in the sky, sucking up everything on the island.

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I hope you guys liked it. I know, it was kinda long, but hey, I skipped a lot. I did so because, well, its long enough.

R&R please.


	2. Mickey's Castle

-1**Chapter 2: Mickey's Castle**

**D/C: **I don't own anything Disney or Square Enix. So there!

A/N: I felt that Donald and Goofy did not have their proper introductions yet.

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Donald, a poor duck, finally awakens from his 'stack-o-hay' that is located inside a red barn. He tends to his usual chores and he cleans up where he slept.

"Today is a good day. This is the day that I will see Daisy and tell her how I feel." He puts on the nicest, cleanest shirt that he has, actually, it is a blue vest that he stole from another duck, a richer duck who goes by the name of Daffy Duck. Oh how he despises that sell-out.

Donald couldn't find any pants that matched with his vest, so he wore none. He steps outside, with his wooden staff, he thinks he some sort of magician, and he starts to skip along the trail that heads to the castle.

"We're off to see the Wizard, the wonderful Wizard of… wait, he-ha-ha-ha." Donald continues skipping along the trail, well that is, until he trips over someone landing on his face and starts screaming waiving his hands in the air.

"What the fuck are you doing sleeping in the middle of the road."

"Ha-yuck! Top of the morning, Donald. How are you doing?"

"Goofy! Get your lazy BUM self out of my way!" Donald's face starts turning red, not from the blood running from his… beak, but from anger.

"Are you going to see Daisy today?" He starts laughing at Donald.

"Are you drunk, Goofy?"

"Yep!" Goofy stands up and tries to walk in a straight line. Donald swings at Goofy, but instead of hurting Goofy, he hurts himself. Donald tears some of his own skin when that punch landed. Blood from his wing starts to drench the feathers in blood.

"Why! Why out of all days? That's it! I'm going to take you to the castle and have you arrested for assaulting me! Ha-he-he! That way I can get some sympathy points from Daisy." He grabs Goofy by his arm and starts dragging him.

"Ha-yuck! Wait, let me get my beers!"

"NOOO!" Donald, dragging Goofy with him, starts running toward the castle.

Minutes later…

"We finally made it. Now all I have to do is open this door and…" The door swings open hitting Donald in the beck and knocking him down to the ground. From the castle door, Queen Minnie runs out screaming.

"The king is missing! The king is missing!" Daisy comes rushing out and tends to Queen Minnie.

"Come inside, your highness, we will send someone to find the king." Daisy takes the queen inside. At that moment, Donald gets a brilliant idea.

"Hey, Goofy, what do you say we volunteer to find the king? Not only will we score big with riches, but I'll get lucky with Daisy. He-ha-ha!"

"Uhh, okay!" Goofy takes a sip of beer, before being pulled by Donald.

"Your Highness!" Donald and Goofy chase after the queen inside the castle. "Your Highness! Wait for us!" The Queen and Daisy suddenly stop "We will find the King for you!"

"We!" Goofy sobers up in that moment. "What do you mean we?"

Donald pulls down Goofy and whispers in his ear, "Remember the plan."

"Oh… right!"

"Yes, your highness, we will find the King." Daisy slowly walks to Donald.

"Then here, take these clothes and go to the showers! You two smell like shit! When you are done, go to the Gummi Ship launch pad. A ship will be waiting for you. Your first mission is to go to traverse town and find this 'Key'. Its all in this letter he left behind. And for some odd reason, he mentions you two."

Donald snatches the letter from Daisy. "Let me see that!"

_Donald, Goofy, I need you to go to Traverse Town and find the Key. Go talk to Leon as soon as you get there. He is so cool! Anyways, I need you to go there and find that 'Key'. Follow the Key wherever it goes, because if we don't lock all the keyholes… you won't get the secret ending!_

_P.S. If you two screw this up, I will go ninja on your asses and kick the living shit out of you!_

_( ) King Mickey_

"Okay?" Donald puts the letter in his pocket and takes the clothes from Daisy

--------_ Some time later_---------------

"Are you ready, Goofy?"

"Hyuck! You bet!"

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**A/N: You all know what goes on from here. I didn't want to go into much about D & G. So wait for the next installment.**


	3. Traverse Town

-1**Chapter 3: Traverse Town**

**A/N: I am so sorry that I delayed this chapter for so long. I really apologize for such stupidity. I should have wrote this the moment chapter two was done. Thank you reviewers, you have inspired me a lot.**

**Here's a few shout outs!**

**Jenny The Uber Hot Lesbo: The Lemony goodness won't be released until we get to Hollow Bastion. Sorry about that… but there is some hot action in this chapter, so maybe that will cheer you up, and yes! I promise… that is, if I don't screw up.**

**PrincessofHeartKairi: You bet we won't get that secret ending if we don't seal all the keyholes.**

**Yes, the ending and the secret ending will be complete chapters in this story. Here's hoping I get that far.**

**Enjoy Traverse Town.**

**D/C: I don't own KH stuff because I am not that bright to come up with such coolness!**

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Sora wakes up in the middle of an alley, his vision blurry and his right arm soar.

"Oh my fucking god! What the hell happened. I remembered being sucked down a massive dark thingy and then I must have feel asleep." He tries his best to get up without falling. He loses his balance once before standing upright again.

"I haven't felt this bad since that one day at Kairi's house. I still don't know what Whisky is, but all I know is that I got some hot Kairi action!" He smiles and reaches in his pocket. He pulls out a pair of purple panties and starts sniffing it.

"Good old Tuesday. Boy did we have good times every Tuesday! I would purposely fall to the ground and pretend to faint and…" Sora stops. He slowly turns around and sees an usual yellow dog sniffing his ass.

"Aweeee! You are a cute little fella! Yes you are." The dog looks at Sora and attacks him! The dog's mouth begins to foam, and Sora instantly pisses himself. The dog just looks at the pathetic child and leaves.

"C'mon Pluto, leave that poor bum alone." Goofy calls out for Pluto.

"Like you should be talking." Donald starts laughing at Goofy. They leave.

Sora quickly gets up and starts walking slowly to the nearest door. He goes in and starts undressing.

"God dammit, that's the second time in 24 hours!" He looks around to see a herd of people sitting down, enjoying their dinner up till now. "Uh, hello?" Sora flies out the door and hits a wall.

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"So, uh Donald, what are we suppose to do here?" Goofy asks.

"Find some 'cool' guy named Leon. The king said that he will help us find this key."

"Oh yeah, I forgot!"

"Oh phooey! You stupid piece of…" and before he could finish, Donald jumps in the air and lands in Goofy's arms. Goofy blushes.

"Gwarsh, I didn't know you felt like that." Donald slaps Goofy up side the head, Goofy falls into the water.

"Stupid bum!" Donald turns around and bumps against Aeris.

"Are you the king's lackeys?" Goofy finally gets out of the water.

"Hey I saw her first!" Goofy runs to Aeris and latches to her leg and starts humping it. "Hyuck! You like that don't you?"

"Goofy!" Donald takes out his staff and plants one right between Goofy's balls! Donald clears his throat. "First of all, we are not Lakers!"

"I said lackeys." Aeris responds.

"What did I say?" Donald blushes

"You said Lakers. That's not the point. Did the king send you two?"

Goofy finally gets up, again, and starts speaking in a highly sophisticated British accent.

"I do say, was that entirely necessary to bong on my marbles? Or do you just wish to tackle your own so you can impress the pretty lady?" Aeris starts laughing.

Donald turns red with anger!

"You fool! Are you drunk again?"

"Not at all, I'm entirely sober. That hit must have drained all that alcohol from my system. Thank you, old chap, I must be off to find a nice girl to settle down with." Goofy pulls out a cup of tea from his coat, contradicting all laws of physics in the process.

"How the fuck did he do that?" Donald takes the cup.

_When this guy is drunk, he's my little hoe! But, when he's sober, he turns into a complete smart ass and shows me off! That bum! This will teach him._

He pours something from his sleeve and hands the cup back to Goofy!

Goofy starts drinking.

"Why did you have to do, d-do, d-d-d-do… HYUCK!" Donald cheers.

"He's drunk again!" Aeris starts steaming from her ears.

"I'll ask you one more time! DID THE FUCKING KING SEND YOUR STUPID ASSES HERE OR NOT? DO YOU WANT ME TO SUMMON BEHEMOTH? HUH?" Her body increased in size by ten fold as she stares down Donald and Goofy.

At the same time, "Yes, ma'am…" She returns back to normal, fixes her hair, and dusts off her jacket.

"Good. Come with me." She smiles as she leads them to a room.

-----------

"Ouch! You fucking jerk, that hurt!" Sora puts his shorts back on and heads to the Second District.

"I'm getting out of this sorry place." He opens the door and on the other side, a man falls on his ass. Sora instantly breaks into laughter. He stops when he sees the man disappear.

"What the?" Then out of thin air, heartless come out.

"OMFG! Its those black creatures. Oh my god, am I racist?" Sora starts swinging and missing, the creatures jump back and tackle Sora down. Sora stands up and pulls out his trusty Keyblade.

"Take some of my cheap PLASTIC!" In a fierce demonic swing, he takes all three heartless down. He starts breathing hard.

"That'll show them." He calms down and turns around only to be tackled by five more heartless.

**OMG. I need hax! Let's see now. Up, down, left, right, Square, Square, X 20 times, R1. Ok, that should do it.**

All the heartless suddenly disappear, Sora becomes confused.

"I didn't know you can use hax in this game" He smiles brightly

**Apparently, when you have a game shark, anything and everything's possible.**

"Cool." He walks back to the First District. The usual happy music is no longer playing. Nobody's outside, all window light are turn off.

"What's going on." Sora heads to the front of the Accessory Shop. Nobody, not even that annoying Tidus kid with that rather long anal stick. He pulls out a magazine.

"Let's see, according to the Player's Guide, I'm suppose to go in to the shop and come back out. Hmm, sounds easy enough." And as easy as he stated it, he walks in, then walks out.

"Hey kid… never mind, I don't get anymore customers. I'm so lonely."

Sora walks out, still nobody. Suddenly he hears footsteps.

"They'll keep coming out of nowhere, so as long as you continue to wield that Keyblade."

"Who are you?"

"The Keyblade, they come for it. But, but why would it choose I bitch like you?"

"Hey I may be a bitch, but… but… I'll kick your ass!"

"Very well then, let's do it the hard way." The unknown guy pulls out the most awesome sword ever created, the Legendary Gunblade. Immediately, the two engage in a sword fight. Sora jumps in the air and yells at the top of his lungs, the cool guy backs away and swings at Sora, and just like that, Sora knocks out.

"Hey you found it, Squall."

"Things are a lot worse than I thought."

_Huh? Where am I? Hey, flashback time._

Sora wakes up back at Kairi's room.

"So, Sora, have you ever tried Whiskey before?" Kairi walks into the room with a bottle of Jack Daniels in her arms.

"Nope. How does it taste?" Sora lays on kairi's bed with his hands under his head.

"Like candy. Liquid form." She sits on his crouch and takes a sip from the bottle.

"Ooooo, liquid candy." Kairi leans towards Sora and kisses him, transferring some of the whiskey in her mouth to his. Sora pushes her off and starts choking.

"What was that for? You nearly killed me, you…" Before Sora finishes, Kairi pushes Sora down again and she lays on top of him, resting her head on his chest. "Ok, that's nice."

Sora places his hand on Kairi's head, gently passing his fingers through her hair.

"Sora," Kairi starts, "Why don't we get out of the island, just you and me?"

"What about Riku?"

"I don't know, for some strange reason, I sometimes think that he will rape me or something. I mean, anyone could do it right now, I'm too drunk to resist. If somebody would to come to rape me right now, I wouldn't yell or anything. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't do anything if you were to try to rape me."

"Yeah, whatever. I'll do it later." Kairi falls asleep. Sora tries to wake her, but she doesn't come to. HE gently picks her up and lays her on her bed, covering her with her sheets. After he finishes, he looks around, calls out Kairi's name, and she still doesn't wake. He slowly pulls open her drawers, and sneaks a pair of purple panties and runs away.

_OK? Why was that flashback so important?_

**I have no fucking idea. This is your story, not mine. Why don't you tell everyone why that flashback was so important?**

_Because, I love her._

**Awe!**

_Shut up!_

Sora finally wakes up.

"Wake up, you lazy bum!"

"Kairi?"

"The heartless were coming after you, they want your heart."

"I'm so glad that you are ok, Kairi."

"Kairi? I'm not Kairi. I'm the great Prostitute Yuffie."

"What?" Sora jumps back and bangs his head against the wall. The image of Kairi disappears and a taller, much skinnier figure appears before him. Short, short skirt, small top, suspenders, over-rated yet sexy lollipop being sucked, yep, she's is the greatest.

"Squall, I think you might have kit him too hard." Yuffie looks towards the door.

"The name's Leon, slut! Now shut up and let me talk!" Leon approaches Sora slowly, Sora recognizes the man standing in front of him. Shinny white shoes, sparkling pink slacks, sparkling pink coat, pink hat with a brown feather.

Sora points at Leon. "Is this your pimp, Yuffie?"

"Yep." Yuffie starts rubbing herself.

"We had to get the Keyblade away from you, apparently, that's how they were tracking you. But it won't work for long."

"So this is the Keyblade."

"Yeah, I still can't get over the fact that you were chosen out of all the people. Well, I still got my hoe."

"What, I didn't choose this."

"Well to bad kid, the Keyblade chooses it's master, and it chose you." Yuffie continues to rub herself.

"So tough luck kid. You're going to have to leave soon, the heartless will come after you, if you're not careful, they will swallow your heart. You understand?" Leon looks at Sora, Sora doesn't respond, he's too busy staring at Yuffie moaning as she continues to play with herself.

"You idiot!" Leon grabs Sora. "If you are not careful, those heartless will kill you! If not them me! I will come after you and kill you.! Do you understand?"

"Yes mister Leon sir." Sora backs away from Leon. Yuffie stops and gets up.

"Good, the heartless go to every world, consuming the heart of every world."

"Hey, I remember that in my…wait a minute! What happened to my island, Riku, Kairi?"

"You know what I really don't care. You're just going to have to deal with it."

"Do you know a man named Ansem, the Handsome one?"

Sora looks at Yuffie. " I don't know, how does he look like?"

"Well, he's handsome, that's why we call him Ansem, the Handsome one."

"Nope. Sorry Yuffie." Suddenly, a heartless jumps in the room through the window.

"Sora, the heartless. Sora, let's go!" Leon swings at the heartless, knocking it out of the window. Sora, don't bother with the small fry, go look for the leader, I suggest you look for it at the Third District. Go, GO!"

Sora runs past the heartless as Leon takes them out with his mighty Gunblade. Sora exists the alley behind the hotel and finds himself in front of two dogs. Suddenly, Sora knows why they are sad.

"You guys lost 99 puppies. Don't worry I'll find them, after all, I need to find 99 puppies if I want that secret ending."

He leaves and finds himself in front of the clock tower. He heads to the third district door and enters it.

He continues to walk until he hears a loud explosion. He looks up and Goofy and Donald land right on top of Sora.

"OMFG! The KEY!" They both say, "We found it! We found it, la-la-la-la-lala-la!" A loud thud sounds from behind them. A huge body of armor puts itself together and starts swaying left to right.

"Its a heartless!" Sora yells. "I don't know who you guys are, but we have to take this sucka out." Donald takes out his staff, and Goofy unfolds a large piece of cardboard with captions.

'Will work for sex'

The body armor starts swinging its arms around, stomping the floor and spinning in gay circles.

After dying three times, Sora makes the final blow and depletes the body armor's life.

They celebrate and dance like sissy girls, except Goofy, who opens up a bottle of beer.

"Hell, yeah! I did it!" Sora starts jumping up and down.

"You did it? I believe we did it too!" Donald takes his buddy, Goofy and they start jumping.

"Well done, Sora."

"Leon!" Sora turns around and finds Leon walking towards him.

"I have to admit, that was pretty good."

"What about my friends?"

Goofy jumps up and says, "They must be in another world." Donald nods.

"Sora, go with them, they need you to seal all the keyholes. Think of the secret ending."

"But, this ship runs only on happy faces, you can't come with us looking emo!" Donald and Goofy start smiling and kneel down to look for Sora's face.

"Happy?" Sora looks up and shows off a disturbing smile. Donald and Goofy start laughing.

"Ok, I'll go! Let's go." Donald and Goofy stop.

"Good luck Sora."

"Thanks, Leon."

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**OMG! The longest chapter ever! Whoo! Sorry about that flashback though, I just replaced the actual flashback with that one, I'm not entirely sure if there even is a flash back at that moment. Seeing as how I've only played through the whole game five times, I forget exactly all the details of the game. But hey, its fan fiction… of close enough to it. Chapter four, Wonderland, coming soon.**


	4. Wonderland

-1**Chapter 4.1:W0nd3rl4nd**

**A/N: Yeah, it's me again. Didn't expect to see me after I just put up that last chapter. Thought I surprise you with Wonderland. So from here, I need to clarify a few things.**

**Whilst going to Wonderland, Sora and his 'friends' learned the spell Fire, and, no one really cares about the abilities unless it's the cool move abilities (Sonic Blade, Strike Raid… etc.)**

**Donald still has his wooden staff and Goofy is sober entering Wonderland.**

**In this chapter, I'm going to be skipping a lot of the fighting scenes. I mean, it's just heartless, I don't have to go into detail exactly when heartless come out. This is a two part chapter, because its getting a bit long. So wait for part two to come out.**

**D/C: I don't own… Come on, read the previous chapter's disclaimer.**

**----------------------------------**

"_Captain's Log, the Enterprise has discovered a new planet, in the gama fallopian start system. Mr. Spock, navigate us through those other ships."_

"It's Donald, Sora, and stop talking like you're William Shatner."

"But it's fun!"

"I don't care, Sora, one wrong move and it could be over for us." Donald looks at Goofy as he sits on his chair, sipping from his tea cup.

"Ol' chap, can you try to be more careful, I nearly spilled my tea. I need my tea to stay in my good shape, you know, I must impress the ladies if I want a future wife and kids." Goofy stands up and pours some more tea in to his cup.

"The only good shape you will be in is a dead one after I'm through with you." Donald continues to navigate through the field of endless heartless vessels.

Sora takes out his key blade and starts to admire it.

"I kick ass with this thing!" Sora jumps in the ship, making the ship tilt throwing it off coarse.

"Sora, you dumb ass! Look what you've done! Now we're going to a planet that is not known to the ship's systems. We're going to have to make a crash landing.!" Donald begins to turn red and screams back at Sora.

They all look out the window as the strangely colored planet gets bigger and bigger.

"See what your dumb ass got us in to!" Donald starts waking Sora over the with his wooden staff! The ship starts to heat up as they enter the world's atmosphere.

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Sora opens his eyes to find that he no longer is in the gummi ship. Instead, He, Donald and Goofy are falling down an unusually long tunnel with frames and pictures and all kinds of weird stuff. They finally land softly while Goofy falls on his ass.

"Come on, Goofy, we got to figure out where we are." Sora helps Goofy up and they all look around the room. The is oddly shaped with different colors of paint. Suddenly, a white rabbit lands right in front of Sora.

"OMG! I'm so late! The queen will have my head for this! I need to hurray!"

Sora and the others look at each other. Goofy shrugs at Sora while Donald slips some alcohol into Goofy's tea.

"Sora, why don't we follow that rabbit, maybe he will…" He takes a drink from his tea. "Leads us… lead us to… hayuck!" Donald chuckles.

"Yeah, let's follow that rabbit. Hey look a door." Sora opens a door, when he does so, another door opens, and another, and another till finally a door opens with enough space to get through. Sora and the others find themselves in a bizarre room, a kitchen stove, couches, and a bed against the walls, and a round table in the middle with two small jars. Sora looks down to see the white rabbit pass through a small door.

"How did he get so small?" Sora asks…

"No, you just too fat, G!" The door answers with an attitude.

"Hey, I am NOT fat!"

"That's not what yo mama said to me last night!"

Donald and Goofy step back.

"Hey, nobody talks about my mama like that."

"I just did! Foo! Now what you gonna do? Hit me, you little bitch?"

"How bout this? We rap-battle and if I win, you have to tell me how to get in the door. And if you win, we'll leave you alone."

The door starts thinking.

"Alright, dawg, I'm down for that! Heck, I'll let you go first because ladies go first."

"You going to wish you never messed with me." Sora takes out a rather large gold necklace from the inside of his shirt. 'RBC 2000' are engraved in the emblem in the base of the necklace. The talking door takes a good hard look at it.

"What does 'RBC 2000' mean?" The door asks Sora.

"It means that I'm the Rap-Battle-Champion of 2000. So, prepare yourself for an ass-whoopin!"

Donald and Goofy starting making up a beat, with a mixture of comical trademark noises they make, they come up with a pretty beat. Sora starts.

"Yo, listen up, I'm the Keyblade masta,

Whateva you do, I can do fasta.

I'll burn you quick, so don't blink yo eyes,

Cuz when I'm through with you, you'll be hurtin inside."

"OOOOOOOOH!" Donald and Goofy both yell at the same time. They continue with the beat. Then the Door starts.

"I'm the guardian to next room you see,

I'm da pimp masta king, you'll neva pass me.

I'll own you nasty, like I do my hoes,

At the end of this, you'll become one of those."

Sora and the door at this for quite a while until…

"I quit, I give up, your master rhymes are too much for me! I can't do it! Sora, you win!"

Sora starts cheering, faking crowd noices, and raising his arms in the air in victory, while Donald and Goofy just stare.

"Ok, you stupid piece of wood with a doorknob, you're going tell us how to get to the next room or I will jam this key blade in your mouth." Sora starts waiving his key blade near the door.

"See that table behind you? Well, there is a potion, an orange potion you can take that will let you become smaller, but before you do that, the bed that's to my right, your left, needs to be pushed into the wall, I know that it seems crazy right now, but in a few minutes, you'll see why it isn't. Now, I think I'll go back to sleep." With that, the door falls asleep. Sora and the gang see the bed that the door was talking about, but don't know what to do.

"Hey look!" Sora yells. "Look at the corner right there!" Sora points at the command option. "Look it says 'Push!' And look!" He points up above him. "There's a 'Question Mark' on top of my head."

Donald and Goofy start whispering to each other.

"I think he's gone crazy."

"Hyuck, I think so too."

Suddenly a flash of light blind Donald and Goofy and the see that the bed has been compressed against the wall.

"What did you do?" Donald starts jumping up and down.

"I pushed the bed. What else should have I done?"

Donald gives up.

"Ok, now we must drink this orange potion. Are you sure we can trust that door?" Sora looks behind him and takes a final look at the snoozing door. "Well, here goes nothing." Sora takes a drink and suddenly, the room starts to get bigger, and bigger, and bigger! Soon they find themselves standing on top of the table with the two bottles of potion.

"Oh, now what?" Donald starts to panic.

"Stupid duck, come on, lets go, there's another door way there. I bet well find the key hole there." They all jump off the table and head into the doorway. On the other side, they find themselves in a large garden and two life sized cards wielding pikes standing in front of a heart shaped arch. On the other side, they see a girl, dressed in a mini skirt and a pink shirt, leaning against a bench. Trumpets start sounding from that direction so the three follow it.

"Now… presenting… The Queen of Hearts!"

"Why is he out of breath." Sora looks at the white rabbit, suddenly, more trumpets sound and a bunch of stupefied cards jump back to reveal a half-pint woman standing on a pedestal with a gavel in her hand. The rabbit continues.

"We are here to trial young Alice for breaking to royal rules." Trumpets sound again and a bunch of cards start moving towards a small stand in front of the queen's pedestal. The cards move out of the and a young lady wearing blue jeans, a pink shirt and a denim jacket. Sora and the others walk closer to court trial to hear what is exactly going on.

The young girl begins to talk in the most annoying valley accent.

"Like, I don't know what I'm doing here, so if we can, like get this thing going."

"SILENCE! I will not have this outrage in my presence! Off with her fucken head!"

"Look, bitch, I just got done shopping and if you think you can touch me with this brand new bitchen clothes, well you better think again."

"Did she just call me a bitch? Did she just call me a bitch!" The queen looks around at the cards. "Fine then."

"Look, can you like just tell me and like let me go, because I didn't like, you know, do anything?"

"Very well then, you are here because you tried to steal my heart, and now it is off with your head!"

"She didn't do it!" Sora finally steps up and yells.

Donald grabs Sora's sleeve. "Are you fuckin crazy?"

Sora smiles and taps his head. "Like a fox."

The queen stands up, and suddenly she's no longer visible. A door opens below the queen's stand and a she stands right in front of Sora.

"Who are you!" The Queen puts her hands to her side.

Sora looks down at the tiny queen who only measures up to his elbows.

"I am the Keyblade's chosen…" Donald pulls Sora down.

"Will you shut the hell up, or do I have to smack you with this wooden staff?"

Sora starts crying. "But I'm the master! Whaaa!"

Goofy laughs with his British accent. "Oh your majesty, if we can prove that it wasn't that young lady right there isn't your culprit, may she go free?"

The queen starts to think.

"Yes, I guess we can do that… I will allow you the time you need to search for your evidence."

Sora looks at Goofy. "Nice save."

"Oh, now you acknowledge me!" Goofy starts shacking his fists at the writer.

**To be continued.**

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**A/N: I hope you guys didn't find this chapter boring, but I promise that it will get better, because I can't wait till we get to Deep Jungle, I'm so excited. I can't hold it in!**

**Read and Review people.**


	5. Wonderland part 2

-1**Chapter 4.2- W0nd3rl4nd**

**A/N: My computer go corrupted with some big virus so I had to restore everything, and guess what, I lost the recover disk with all my work, so this is my second run writing this chapter. I hope this version turns out better.**

**D/C: I don't own anything Square Enix or Disney.**

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The three looked toward the bushes, where a hole magically and unexplainably appeared. It was dark at the end so there was no telling what was on the other side, however, it proved scary enough to make Sora cry.

"I didn't volunteer to be a search and rescue party!"

"Sora, we have to find the evidence, unless you have forgotten, we need to find those keyholes." Donald was pointing at the fact that he wants to get out of this part of the story as quickly as possible. "There is no other way, we'll search for it when we are looking for the evidence."

Sora gulped as they began to walk through the door way, a long and dark doorway. They finally reach the other end, they look around only to find themselves completely surrounded by forestation. Sora clutched his knees and whispered. "Why is it so big in here?"

Donald smacked Sora over the head with his wooden staff. "Don't you remember, you idiot! We drank the funky potion only minutes after we got here!" Through-out this whole time, Goofy has yet to say a word.

"Shhh!" Goofy lifted his hanging ear and listened. An echo began to get closer and closer, until a large cloud of smoke popped from out of this air. A melodious tune began playing, something from out of the 70's era. A large cat, on a sofa, sat in front of the three. A rather rugged beard, dreadlocks, and a hanging belly completed the features of this cat. A smaller cloud of smoke popped next to the cat and a large bong came out of it.

"Duuuude! I had this like vision where I was being eaten by a plant." The stoned cat began, "And then there were like these black things, it was wicked awesome, I think I was listening to Slayer… no it was Radiohead. Yeah, they rule. So what can I do for you three youngsters."

Sora looked at both Donald and Goofy, they were both staring at him. "What do you want me to do?" Donald kicked him making him jump forward.

"Yes, main man!"

"Dude? Main man? What is this some kind of…"

"Hold on there just a sec key blade dude. I'm getting a prophetic vision. I see you want to collect some objects, hmm, those black things. There are four of them. Tell you what, if you can find these…" he takes a slight puff from his bong, "if you could," and another, "If you could get all four of them, I can promise you a totally sick gift. But you have to get all four, three are right here in the forest. They're not that hard to find." He pointed to three visible boxes that laid on the forest ground. "The fourth, is up my anus. No! Not really, but you have to climb a pretty high place to get to it, my anus I mean." He laughed uncontrollably until he exploded into a fog of thick smoke.

"Well that proved quite useless." Donald exclaimed, he turned and saw Sora taking puffs from out of the bong that the cat had left behind. Goofy casually joined Sora. "Stupid cat!"

A large cloud of smoke appeared in front of Donald and Sora. "Whoa! I thought I left something, see ya!"

Once again the cat and his bong disappeared in a cloud of smoke. Donald quickly ran to grab the three boxes while Goofy, unconsciously climbed the highest tree and jumped off to a near by branch.

"Hey guys, there's a large hole in this tree! Ha yuck!" The others looked confused. "Yeah and there seems to be a rooooooooooooooooom!" The others quickly rushed and jumped on a large mushroom and jumped on the tree branch.

"That idiot, he fell in the hole. Sora, you go get him!"

"What!? Why me?"

"Because you are our 'fearless' leader now go get him!"

"Fine I guess I'll just jump in and….HA!" He pushed Donald in to the hole but only to find himself losing balance and falling in too.

Donald woke up and found himself back in the room where they had started this part of the adventure. The only difference is that all three were sitting on top of a water faucet.

"I found the fourth box!" Sora exclaimed, he started dancing and he kicked Goofy and Donald and both fell to the floor of the room.

"Sora, you dumb shit, now it is all up to you! You have to jump across to get that box, and I know you won't make the jump."

Sora looks down qand started yelling back at Donald.

"Oh yeah?" Sora made a tremendous leap of faith and just when he thought he was going to make it, a large cloud of smoke appeared right in front of the leaping Sora. Sora went through the cloud of smoke, not knowing exactly where he was going to land. He landed face first on the shelve where the box was located..

"Whoa! It was like 'WHOOOOAAAAA! But you couldn't slow down." It was that cat again, another cloud of smoke appeared but this time it was a keg of beer. "Yeah man, you jumped a pretty, a pretty… you're pretty with all that red make-up on."

"That's my blood you drunk fuck!"

"Well, tha that doesn't matter, what matters is that you got the fourth box. I promised I'd give you something cool, and… and, dude. Where the hell did I put that thing? Ah yes I remember now." The cat snapped his finger… paw and a small cloud of smoke appeared.

"What is it?" Sora cleared up his face.

"It's a… it's a… something. Yeah, you know what? I like you guys, because you don't what's going on!" Chester began laughing uncontrollably until he blew up in a cloud of smoke, leaving his keg of beer behind. Sora slowly opened the gift that the cat left behind. Sora suddenly felt cold and a caption box appeared saying…

"You have learned Blizzard."

Sora grabbed the fourth box ignoring what just happened and rushed back to the trial.

"Your majesty! We got the evidence!" Sora ran back to the stand, Donald and Goofy took their place next to Sora.

"What!" The Queen disappeared again and came out of a smaller door. "There was never to be any evidence that proves me wrong! NEVER! Guards chase them away!" The cards started scattering, waving their spears in the air, screaming like a bunch hungry women in a buffet line. Sora and the others only stared and held in their laughter as best as they can. Sora gained an ounce of bravery and performed the blizzard spell, freezing all the cards in their place.

"Now, your majesty, your short majesty, if you can let Alice go, we won't hurt you." The queen signaled the only guard remaining to open the gate, but when he did, Alice was already missing.

"Oh, damn… Well, we best be going…" Sora turned around and ran to the door as Donald and Goofy with him, a few cards chasing them shortly after. The three entered the main room and found a tall figure juggling torches. The heartless came down, pounding on the floor as it crept closer and closer to Sora and the others. They spread out, but the heartless saw through their plan and launched three fireballs to each of them. Sora got up and looked at his key blade…

"This stupid piece of junk doesn't even work!" Sora, in a furious tantrum, tosses his key blade straight at the heartless, hitting it dead center between its eyes, killing it, instantly. Sora stood there, confused at what just happened. "That was easy…"

"Yo, can a brother knob gets some sleep?" The door knob yawned, and Donald noticed something odd about that shape of the keyhole…

Donald grabbed Sora's key blade and forcibly shoved the blade into the keyhole. The knob started shaking and moving, gagging to the point where its eyes rolled back. A loud clicking sound was heard and Donald pulled back the blade.

"That should do it!" Donald handed back the blade to Sora as they waited to see what happens next. The knob just stayed there with his mouth open and tongue sticking out.

"I think you killed him, Donald." Goofy drank some tea and wondered off. "I'll be in the ship."

Sora leans over and pokes the knob again… " I think you did kill it, Donald."

"Ooh phooey, he deserved it. Let's just go to the next world, please."

"Yeah I guess we can go." Sora looked back as they headed towards the ship to take off.

The three took the growing potion to grow taller, and they headed towards the ship, they got in, took their seats and bid farewell to this world.

Where they'll end up next, is in the next chapter.

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**A/N: Sorry, I blame my writer's block, and I kinda got lazy towards the end so please forgive me. I promise the next chapter will be more amusing than this one. Thanks for reading and reviewing.**


	6. Agrabah Desert Sluts

-1**Chapter 6 - Agrabah ( Desert Sluts)**

**AC: Due to lack of muse to write, I haven't been keeping up with my writing, so I am pulling an all nighter till this chapter is up. I am skipping a few minor worlds because I couldn't brainstorm enough ideas to put a nice chapter for them… so here is the next chapter. Oh, by the way, It wouldn't be a "True" version if I didn't make fun of EVERYTHING!**

**DC: Kingdom Hearts is not owned by me and is respectively owned by Square Enix and Disney.**

**--**

It has seemed like an eternity since the last world that the trio of unlikely heroes had visited. Thanks to some new technology that Cid had installed during their last visit to Traverse Town, the ship was able to surpass a formal force hindering unable to pass till now. Though, as confused as Sora was, more than ever, he still sat back and relaxed as the simple Gummi ship swayed through space.

"There sure are a lot of pieces of crap in space. I mean… honestly… how many loops, squares, and gummi pieces can be in space?" Sora was astonished by the load of useless pieces they had collected along the way to their next stop. Donald only gave a low shrug and continued to navigate to the next world.

"Hyuck, that there circle is really brown. Looks like a cookie. Donald… do uh cookies and beer mix well?"

"How should I know, you drunken buffoon!" Donald slapped Goofy away from the wheel as they were about to embark on another journey.

--

"ALADDIN!"

"Jasmine, hang on!"

"I don't know if I can anymore!"

"I'm coming, Jasmine, just hang on!"

"ALADDIN!"

"And cut! Beautiful guys, excellent." A rather large, bearded man got up from his chair as he yelled out for the cameras to stop rolling. He approached the nude couple just after the dark toned actor's climatic finish. The very curved actress quickly grabbed her clothes and walked in to the nearest room. He raises his hand and points to a door on one of the upper levels.

"Ok, Aladdin, this is when the, quote; end quote, bad guy steps out. You're gonna yell out, 'Jafar!' Then he'll nab the princess and you'll have to chase after her!

"I've seen this movie." Sora walked in front of the director as he was giving orders. "I've seen this movie! it's the Desert Slut series!" Donald quickly tugged at Sora's legs and brought him down.

"Care to explain how a 13 year old boy with a key blade has the knowledge of this series?" Donald crossed his wings and looked up at Sora very carefully.

"Kairi is a big fan of this series, she makes me watch." Sora nervously chuckled as he explained.

"I can assure you all, this is no movie anymore!" A tall, dark, and hideously ugly man appeared holding a golden lamp. "I finally found the lamp! And now I shall be taking the 'princess!' GENIE!" As the tall, and ugly man raised his arms, he rubbed the lamp furiously as pink and purple smoke began to escape the stout of the lamp.

"Jafar! What are you doing!" The actor planning Aladdin stepped up from his post and yelled out.

"No-no-no, Aladdin, if I told you all my plans, I wouldn't be very good at my job!" Finally, the smoke cleared out and a blue genie appeared, wearing short shorts, and an open button collar shirt.

"So, you summoned me, Master?" The Genie began to speak in a very loose and high pitched voice. His hand stuck out in front of him, and the other was placed firmly against his hip. He wore a earring on his left ear, and had clean plucked eyebrows. "I have a lot of stuff to do today, so let's make this quick."

"… He's gay?" Donald beak nearly dropped to his knees, as Sora's did when he heard the Genie speak out again. Goofy… well Goofy's passed out drunk again.

"Genie, grant me my first wish, I wish that I was lead actor of the Desert Slut series!" Aladdin began to run towards Jafar.

"Jafar, no! That's my lead!" Jafar began to laugh maniacally.

"You got it boss!" With two snaps of his fingers, sparks began to fly and spread out.

--

"Jafar!"

"Princess Jasmine, I don't know why you try to give hope to that poor Street Rat, when you have me all to yourself."

"Oh Jafar, you make it sound so good, but the Street Rat has a bigger dick than you do."

"Not for long."

The doors swing wide open, Aladdin, Donald, Goofy, and Sora burst through the doors and start running towards Jafar and his lamp.

"Hand it over, Jafar." Aladdin jumped, followed by the trio of heroes.

"I don't think so, Street RAT! Genie, I wish to be an all powerful Sorcerer!"

"You got it, boss!" With two shakes of his ass, and a snap to the left and to the right, sparks fill the room. Aladdin and the others remained airborne as Jafar used his magic to hold them up. He grabs Jasmine by the arm and brings her to him.

"Jasmine, what do you want me to do with the trash?"

"Take it out!"

Jafar waved his hand slowly, causing the heroes to disappear from the room and appear in a large pile of trash.

"That Jafar! He has my woman!" Aladdin tried to get up, but the trash underneath him kept shifting, causing him to fall over and over again.

Sora struggled to get up, as well as Donald and Goofy.

"What are you going to do, Aladdin?" Sora looked over to the worn-out porn star as he lifted himself from off the ground.

"I'm going to go back and set things right!" Aladdin stood up with a clear and confident pose.

"I just hope Jafar doesn't get to Jasmine's 'keyhole' before you do…" Donald stood there in speculation of the innuendo….

"What?"

**A/N: Yes - another two parter. Stay tuned for chapter seven, "Desert Sluts - the Return of the Trash."**


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